As I've gone on this journey of looking at my own brokenness and wrestling with God as to why it is that he is bringing it up now I have come to one very obvious conclusion.
I'm needy.
And although that five letter word has a horrible connotation I am okay with that. I am okay with being needy, at least I have come to recognize that attention and love are things that I need to look for in my relationships and understand that they are things that I need to control as well.
My neediness is something that keeps me in check, as it reminds me that I am not the only person that needs both love and attention, but that I am also called to give what I seek as well. It's nice to know that I am not alone in this need and that I am called to be the answer to that prayer; the prayer that is also my own.
However, there is an ugly side that manifests itself. The side of me that is insecure and wishes that I could have things my way. In talking to friends I realize that the effort I put in relationships is not reciprocated; friends with whom I used to call and try to write letters often to decide to put their time and energy in others. My pride is shot, when did they get so close is a question that lingers... instead of just being happy for them.
My insecurity and resentment clouds my own happiness with the friends that I already have and the family that has been brought forward because of these friendships. Why am I looking so far away when I have it so good here?! I don't know.
Mission: Focus on the beauty and happiness that is around me. I like what school I go to, my friends, my family. Life can't get much better than this, I just have to make a point to notice it each and every day.
I choose to, starting today. I choose to be free of insecurity by not being invested in my the people I want and focus on the blessing that those around me truly are.
"You, my brothers and sisters, are called to be free."
-Galatians 5:13
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Monday, October 6, 2008
Remember
Looking through my blog, I found this entry as a draft from October 2008.
Today, at Bruin Cafe.
Running into someone from my past lead to a whole other plethora of emotions and memories to get brought up.
Things I don't like to think about became present, and I hated every minute of it.
I remember this interaction, the rejection became very real that day. Many situations that I had wished to erase from my memory came flooding back: family brokenness, the attempt to fit in completely and utterly and the recognition that I had failed. I had wanted to be at home in middle school, trying to find any way that I could belong.
Now, I am happy to say that I live for something bigger than myself; something I love completely and utterly, Someone that will never leave me or reject me. I'm already home.
Today, at Bruin Cafe.
Running into someone from my past lead to a whole other plethora of emotions and memories to get brought up.
Things I don't like to think about became present, and I hated every minute of it.
I remember this interaction, the rejection became very real that day. Many situations that I had wished to erase from my memory came flooding back: family brokenness, the attempt to fit in completely and utterly and the recognition that I had failed. I had wanted to be at home in middle school, trying to find any way that I could belong.
Now, I am happy to say that I live for something bigger than myself; something I love completely and utterly, Someone that will never leave me or reject me. I'm already home.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Friday's Rain II
So it's another Friday when it rained.
I think I've mentioned before that I like the rain, it's good.
However, today's was especially special.
It was pouring down rain, pouring like I hadn't seen in a long time.
However, as the rain began to cease, the sun began to shine.
Shine as if it was just waiting to be there, not paying attention to the rain at all.
It was amazing.
My shoes and socks were wet, but I could still see the beauty in the rarity of this combination of rain and sun.
I could not help but see God in this (I see Him often in the simplest of places).
I could not help but wonder how it is that He takes such good care of us, despite the fact that we do not stop to notice Him each and every day.
He gave us the sun within the rain, and the beautiful clear sky that followed.
This song comes to mind:
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me...
I think I've mentioned before that I like the rain, it's good.
However, today's was especially special.
It was pouring down rain, pouring like I hadn't seen in a long time.
However, as the rain began to cease, the sun began to shine.
Shine as if it was just waiting to be there, not paying attention to the rain at all.
It was amazing.
My shoes and socks were wet, but I could still see the beauty in the rarity of this combination of rain and sun.
I could not help but see God in this (I see Him often in the simplest of places).
I could not help but wonder how it is that He takes such good care of us, despite the fact that we do not stop to notice Him each and every day.
He gave us the sun within the rain, and the beautiful clear sky that followed.
This song comes to mind:
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me...
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Friday's Rain
Something about Friday, November 30th made me extremely happy. I woke up, peeked my head out the window and saw that it was raining. Immediate reaction: I don't like being wet, and walking to class, you really can't avoid it in the rain.
Yet while walking to get tea in the morning before class, realizing I didn't have an umbrella and needed to buy one and finally starting the trek to class, I became really happy; joyful even.
Walking to class with a hum, a bounce in my step... I was extremely happy it was raining, itching to dance in it. I remembered about all the wildfires that have been occurring recently, and I remembered how lovely the rain was. It has been the driest year in the history of California, at least the driest one on record, so we needed a douse of water.
We had had a bonfire at UCLA the night before during the "Beat '$C Parade, Bonfire and Rally", so a fire the day after was more than appropriate. The rain looked more pretty, believe it or not, just because we needed it.
I am reminded more and more of the things around us, looking toward things I usually take for granted, taking time to really observe them and look at why they are special and why they are so important to us.
**So yes, UCLA lost against USC, 24-7. We are still proud to be Bruins at UCLA. :)**
Yet while walking to get tea in the morning before class, realizing I didn't have an umbrella and needed to buy one and finally starting the trek to class, I became really happy; joyful even.
Walking to class with a hum, a bounce in my step... I was extremely happy it was raining, itching to dance in it. I remembered about all the wildfires that have been occurring recently, and I remembered how lovely the rain was. It has been the driest year in the history of California, at least the driest one on record, so we needed a douse of water.
We had had a bonfire at UCLA the night before during the "Beat '$C Parade, Bonfire and Rally", so a fire the day after was more than appropriate. The rain looked more pretty, believe it or not, just because we needed it.
I am reminded more and more of the things around us, looking toward things I usually take for granted, taking time to really observe them and look at why they are special and why they are so important to us.
**So yes, UCLA lost against USC, 24-7. We are still proud to be Bruins at UCLA. :)**
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Intro
I decided to start at the beginning (at least where I feel my beginning has taken place), I read a lot, so I thought I'd do like great authors do: start at the beginning. I know not all stories start with an intro, some dive right in, but I thought I would.
I attend UCLA. A school that has taught me so much due to the classes I have taken, the people I have met, and the people that have continually stuck by my side throughout these past two years while I figure out what it is that I want out of life.
It is at UCLA that I have met a lot of really great friends, people I know that I will continually talk to for a long while and some that I know I will cease to talk to when I leave here. I'm okay with that, people leave imprints on your life regardless of how long they are in it, and it is the imprint that matters, what they contribute to your life; what they teach you and how you respond to it.
I have found my other family here also, I know people throw that around a lot, but I really do mean it (people throw that around too). I have come to trust, love and laugh with my family: InterVarsity Bruin Christian Fellowship. Thanks to these people I found what it is that I was looking for here, the piece of the puzzle that was missing: my community. I have learned countless things through these people, and God has answered prayer, questions and enhanced my life because of it.
That's it for now, just a little taste of who I am and the things that I value. More later.
I attend UCLA. A school that has taught me so much due to the classes I have taken, the people I have met, and the people that have continually stuck by my side throughout these past two years while I figure out what it is that I want out of life.
It is at UCLA that I have met a lot of really great friends, people I know that I will continually talk to for a long while and some that I know I will cease to talk to when I leave here. I'm okay with that, people leave imprints on your life regardless of how long they are in it, and it is the imprint that matters, what they contribute to your life; what they teach you and how you respond to it.
I have found my other family here also, I know people throw that around a lot, but I really do mean it (people throw that around too). I have come to trust, love and laugh with my family: InterVarsity Bruin Christian Fellowship. Thanks to these people I found what it is that I was looking for here, the piece of the puzzle that was missing: my community. I have learned countless things through these people, and God has answered prayer, questions and enhanced my life because of it.
That's it for now, just a little taste of who I am and the things that I value. More later.
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