Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Too Much to Ask?

As I've gone on this journey of looking at my own brokenness and wrestling with God as to why it is that he is bringing it up now I have come to one very obvious conclusion.

I'm needy.

And although that five letter word has a horrible connotation I am okay with that. I am okay with being needy, at least I have come to recognize that attention and love are things that I need to look for in my relationships and understand that they are things that I need to control as well.

My neediness is something that keeps me in check, as it reminds me that I am not the only person that needs both love and attention, but that I am also called to give what I seek as well. It's nice to know that I am not alone in this need and that I am called to be the answer to that prayer; the prayer that is also my own.

However, there is an ugly side that manifests itself. The side of me that is insecure and wishes that I could have things my way. In talking to friends I realize that the effort I put in relationships is not reciprocated; friends with whom I used to call and try to write letters often to decide to put their time and energy in others. My pride is shot, when did they get so close is a question that lingers... instead of just being happy for them.

My insecurity and resentment clouds my own happiness with the friends that I already have and the family that has been brought forward because of these friendships. Why am I looking so far away when I have it so good here?! I don't know.

Mission: Focus on the beauty and happiness that is around me. I like what school I go to, my friends, my family. Life can't get much better than this, I just have to make a point to notice it each and every day.

I choose to, starting today. I choose to be free of insecurity by not being invested in my the people I want and focus on the blessing that those around me truly are.

"You, my brothers and sisters, are called to be free."
-Galatians 5:13

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